If you want to be a member of The Church, then apart from sending us vast amounts of money, you also need to obey the negative commandments below. However, if you obey the commandments then you are being Good and therefore exclude yourself from membership of The Church.

Beware of the terrible punishments you will endure if you fail to follow the commandments.

Anti-number		Commandment		Punishment
-1				The toes on your left foot will be nibbled off over the course of 13 days by a rabid hamster. You may not pet the hamster while it is eating you.
-2		Commandment 2		A flock of birds will fly over your house for a week and ensure you do not make it to your car without getting showered.
-3		Commandment 3		You will be forced to listen to 'Tiptoe through the Tulips' on repeat for an hour at a time, every day for a week. To hear the torment that awaits click this icon.
-4		Commandment 4		The High Priestess will appear to you in a vision and afflict a terrible itch on your right foot. You will never know when, or where, she will appear to you.
-5		Commandment 5		Punishment 5
-6		Commandment 6		Punishment 6
-7		Commandment 7		Punishment 7
-8		Commandment 8		Punishment 8
-9		Commandment 9		Punishment 9
-10		Commandment 10		Punishment 10
-11		Commandment 11		Punishment 11
-12		Commandment 12		Punishment 12
-13		Commandment 13		Punishment 13